What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen?

12/10/14

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen?  I was asked this question a few days ago when someone learned about me being a flight nurse. In all the times that I have been asked this question, I am unable to give a satisfactory answer. I usually say, “I see a lot of hurt people.”  So I decided to answer this question, not just for the inquiring minds, but for myself.

I struggle with the question, even now, as I sit here gathering my thoughts. There are a couple of reasons I struggle.  The first reason is, to be honest, I can’t remember the worst thing I have ever seen.  Is this a blessing or a curse?  Without a doubt this is a blessing.  God has no doubt given me the gift of forgetfulness, when it comes to remembering the human tragedies that I have seen as I have nursed people back to life. Let me also clarify that, on several occasions, there are families and patients I have thought about after my shift is over. Some of which I have prayed for. In addition, if I have taken care of you in the last few weeks, I will remember, or if it’s introduced or mentioned. Let me assure you, this is not a case of short term memory loss. The things I have seen have made a profound impact on the decisions that I make day in and day out.

So PLEASE, don’t take this the wrong way, especially if I have taken care of your loved one and you see me at the grocery store or around town.  For example, on occasion I will have someone tell me, “You took care of my mom!! Remember the 83 year old that you flew 4 months ago who was in a coma and you had to put a breathing tube in!!”  I am going to hug you and say, “How is she?” All the while, I will be trying to recall that specific flight.  I know it’s not your “everyday.”  But then again it’s not every day that you almost lose your mom or see them with an endotracheal tube sticking out of their mouth, however it is my “everyday.”  Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes things happen in this field that is not my “everyday.”  Mass causality incidents, rescues, or impaled objects in a human body, just to name a few….and of course I can recall those types of incidences as I sit here pondering.  Nonetheless, when that question is asked of me, and I am demanded an answer, I truly am unable to point to one specific incidence. I don’t think the answer they are looking for is, “I am unable to recall.”  And so…I believe that this is how I am able to have the “desire” to continue to take care of the sickest of the sickest. All because I like to go home without letting that shift consume my thoughts, further allowing me to go back to the base, ready for the next flight.

The second reason I struggle with this question, is when I am asked, my heart and mind urge quietly, telling me, “Don’t go there.” Because if I do, by chance recall an event, or the question does drag forth a situation from way back in my mind that I haven’t forgot….It’s BAD!  It’s something that I’m not going to share with you.  That can be a loaded question, especially if I have seen a mass causality or gunshot wound to the head in the last few weeks. That innocent person behind the question….well, I want to keep it that way, innocent.  Innocent to the pain, suffering, trauma, and what we do to fight the inevitable, death.

There are many times a particular event has played over and over and over in my head.  To narrow it down to that one time, at that given moment, when the question is asked, is not going to happen. I know that is why I am able to get up and put that flight suit on.  I have been given a drive to be a nurse.  I’m able to forget the bad, all while remembering the good.  It’s my coping mechanism.  Not that I try to forget, it’s the way God made me.  If I wasn’t given the ability to forget, I’m afraid I would probably think twice about taking my next assignment.  Instead, when the tones go off, I am able to confidently strap on my helmet and be prepared for what I will see when we land.  I will be able to give my ALL, to keep you alive and get you to an intervention as quickly as possible, so that hopefully you will have a quality life when it’s all said and done.

Now, to answer this question with an answer that is probably not the answer you are expecting. It’s not the dead, bloody, mangled body that bothers me. When I see something that we would define as horrible, I am not thinking in that moment “this is the worst thing I have ever seen.”  It’s the circumstances that go along with it.  The emotions…

SO, here is my answer.  It’s the worst when I am flying a dad, who was the driver and the only survivor in a motor vehicle accident.  I think about how this dad is going to have to go on living with guilt because he didn’t put his child in a car seat and now his baby is dead. Or it’s the worst, when on the way to the hospital, my patient is showing obvious signs of brain death and I think about how the patient’s husband is going to have to make the decision to discontinue her life and decide to let her go.

Or even worse, the most selfish act that I’ve seen, is when a patient is declared “brain dead” and kept alive forever, by the same machines and drugs we would use to save a life. All while wasting away in that hospital bed, suffering without the quality of life, because letting her go to meet our Maker, is just too hard of a decision for those living here on earth. Or I could say the worst is, when you hear a frightened baby crying out for his momma, within a mangled mess of what’s left of the car, as he remains safely strapped in his car seat. While at the same time we work vigorously to save his mother, who is located in the ditch, after getting thrown out of the vehicle… I could go on and on with these disheartening stories.

Therefore, I hope this quenches the curiosity for those that have asked this question.  Let alone, at least now you know why, when asked, I will still be unable to give you a specific answer.

Grace and peace be with you.

Lesley Karonika, RN BSN CCRN CFRN EMT-B

Giving Tuesday: An Open Letter to the Communities We Serve

L. Mauser
12/01/2014

Hello, USA and Canada!

There are dozens of organizations you could chose to donate your hard-earned money to tomorrow on what is referred to as ‘Giving Tuesday.’ My fiancé Eric and I are as generous as possible every year on this day as a way to counteract the insanity of Black Friday and Cyber Monday. You might say Giving Tuesday restores our faith in humanity just a little bit. If you’re somebody who is currently looking for a great foundation to give even a small donation, I highly suggest you start with Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance.

If your house catches on fire today, you want the fire department to show up, right? If you are in an automobile accident and seriously injured, you would want the fire department and EMS to show up and take care of you, huh? Exactly. That’s what we do; it’s a calling and we’re so glad to be able to help anyone in their time of need. What we do here at FBHA is help those in the fire service and EMS in their time of need. The better we feel, mentally and physically, the better we can come to your aid should you need to call 911 for an emergency. Should you choose FBHA for your Giving Tuesday charity, your donation would go a long way to help firefighters, EMTs, and Paramedics in your own community. Every 2.5 days according to current reporting statistics, we lose a firefighter or member of EMS to suicide in the US and Canada. We need your help to stop this trend.

We’re a foundation formed out of necessity and are working day and night to better understand firefighter/EMS suicide with the nation’s only reporting service and using the information we learn to prevent other suicides. Captain Dill, our founder, treks across the country giving fantastic workshops to fire departments about bettering our brother’s and sister’s mental health and we work shoulder to shoulder with those struggling, the families left behind after suicide, and with those who want to make sure they stay mentally fit. After losing my Dad, Captain Mike Mauser, to suicide in January of this year, I began working with FBHA and can tell you there’s no better place to entrust your donation than with us. My Father was a firm believer in using the best tools of the trade to fight fire and save lives, but unfortunately he didn’t know the strongest tool he could ever use: Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance.

Me & My Dad during a hose ops class he was teaching, three months before his death.

I thank you, from the depths of my heart, for considering FBHA for your Giving Tuesday donation. You can make your donation at any time by going to our website, ffbha.org. From everyone here at the Alliance, we send you warm wishes for a lovely and safe holiday season.

Loyally,

Lauren Mauser, FBHA Fundraising Coordinator

Don’t forget to share this post with your colleagues and friends and be sure to check back for future posts! Keep up with all the news from FBHA on our Facebook page! You can interact with Lauren any time on Twitter using the handle @ClassyInCrisis and we encourage you to hashtag posts using #FBHA and #MauserStandard for things you’d like to share! 

Welcome Message for New Facebook Followers

Hello and welcome!

With mental health and suicide gaining traction as a topic of discussion in the fire service and EMS, we’d like to take a moment of your time to share details about FBHA. While we are the first and only group collecting data on firefighter and EMS suicide, other organizations are looking to get involved and we’d like to share resources we have available and explain why we are considered an authority on suicide data reporting.

Being the first organization to address firefighter suicide has not always been easy and we continue to face challenges today, but remain committed to our purpose for countless reasons, including survivor support. Many families who have lost a loved one in the fire service to suicide have faced feeling rejected and disrespected by organizations that deal with firefighter/EMS deaths from other situations, including line of duty deaths. While we understand each organization has a specific mission, and respect all organizations for their protocols, it should be noted that Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance stands shoulder to shoulder with any family facing the loss of someone in the fire service. There is no situation too dark or too delicate for our assistance. We have stood firmly behind these principles even when it was much more difficult to talk about suicide and mental health in the firehouse, and will continue to do so.

We are so thankful for other groups committed to bettering the health of first responders, especially those who have become partners with FBHA. To have others take up this fight with us is both flattering and empowering. We believe that we are stronger together and our exclusive reporting service is an important tool for all of our partner organizations. As I mentioned earlier, FBHA is the only organization in the world that collects data on firefighter and EMS suicide and is considered by leaders in the fire service across the US and Canada as the authority for suicide reporting. Every time a suicide is submitted to us for data collection (which can be done securely and anonymously on our website, ffbha.org) we sort through details and use it, along with the hundreds of other deaths we’ve confirmed, to provide feedback to EMS and fire officials. This is significant, because in order to stop these suicides, we must learn why they happen and share that information. While we keep information about all cases private, we are able to use what we learn to help others. We are dedicated to this task and are so glad to hear from those of you, far and wide, who support our efforts.

Our founder, Jeff Dill, holds a Master’s degree, is a Licensed Counselor, member of the American Counseling Association, Illinois Counseling Association, Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association, and is a member of several firefighting organizations including the International Association of Firefighters and Illinois Firefighters Association. Because of his education, years of experience, and ability to successfully create workshops which educate those in the fire service and EMS about suicide, we have not only created a powerful organization, but also have become a catalyst for an entire movement. We are proud to be among those leading the charge to break down the stigma of mental illness in the fire service and happy to be the only organization collecting suicide reports on our  brothers and sisters, no matter how difficult.

We invite all of you, no matter where you are, to become participants in our work and take up this fight with us. Information is available at our website (www.ffbha.org), on our Facebook page, or on Twitter and we welcome you to drop an e-mail to us at anytime. We look forward to your support!

Loyally,
Lauren Mauser, FBHA Fundraising Coordinator

You can reach Lauren at lmauser@ffbha.org and Jeff Dill at jdill@ffbha.org

When God Made Paramedics

11/7/14

by Lesley Karonika

When God made paramedics, He was on His sixth day of overtime, An angel appeared and said,”You are doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.” God said, “Have you read the specs on this order?”

“A paramedic has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark, dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed, enter the homes the health inspector wouldn’t touch, and not wrinkle his uniform.”

“He has to be able to lift three times his own weight. Crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move, and console a grieving mother as he is doing CPR on a baby he know will never breathe again.”  He has to be in top mental condition at all times, running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals, and he has to have six pairs of hands.”

The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands…..no way.”  “It’s not the hands that are causing me  problems,” God replied, “It’s the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have.”  “That’s on the standard model?” asked the angel.

God nodded. “One pair that sees open sores as he’s drawing blood, always wondering if the patient is HIV positive.” (When he knows and wishes he’d taken that accounting job.)

“Another pair here in the side of his head for his partner’s safety.  And another pair of eyes here in front that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say, ‘You’ll be alright ma’am, when he know it isn’t so.’”

“Lord,” said the angel, touching His sleeve, “rest and work on this tomorrow.” “I can’t,” God replied.  “I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk from behind a steering wheel without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck.”  The angel circled the model of the Paramedic very slowly.  “Can it think?” she asked.

“You bet,” God said. “It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses; recite drug calculations in its sleep; intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear….and it still keeps its sense of humor.”

“This medic also has a phenomenal personal control.  He can deal with a multi-victim trauma, coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door, comfort a murder victim’s family, and the read in the daily newspaper how Paramedics were unable to locate a house quickly enough, allowing the person to die.  A house that had no street sign, no house numbers, and no phone to call back.”

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Paramedic.

“There’s a leak,” she pronounced. ” I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model.”  “That’s not a leak.” God replied, “It’s a tear.”  “What’s the tear for?” asked the angel.

“It’s for bottled-up emotions, for patients they’ve tried in vain to save, for commitment to that hope that they will make a difference in a person’s chance to survive, for life.”  “You’re a genius!” said the angel.

God looked somber.

“I DIDNT’ PUT IT THERE.” He said.

I am not the author of this poem.  And I could not find who authored it.  But it speaks about my husband, the medics I fly with on the helicopter; Those that work on the ground for 24 hour shifts.  It was pressed on my heart by our Lord to share it here on my blog because I know so many of you will relate.

I got the poem from a Bible, The EMS Bible.  This bible was given to my husband as gift from our pastor.   During a time of trouble and illness, I had turned to our pastor for help.  Prayer is powerful and it works.  That is what I know.  My husband was going through some kind of illness that can only be explained by only one thing; which is what his mind, body, and spirit has endured for 20 years in EMS.  I want to someday share that story here on my blog in hopes that it will help one of you.  Point out some things that may not be obvious to you but relevent.  Or maybe a paramedic’s spouse will be prepared to intervene for their loved one.  Because it defiantly took me by surprise that day.  The day our lives changed.  Because what happened to my husband could happen to yours.

The Wife to The Paramedic

Remembering all those that have died

As we read posts and look at the photos from the NFFF this weekend, please remember those firefighters and EMS personnel that have died as a result of suicide. The challenge of life became too much for them to go on. Whether LODD or suicide, the families of these men and women are left devastated. For the suicide surivivors, there are no benefits, no memorials for their loved ones. They often feel isolated and alone. That is why FBHA has taken on the challenge to change the social stigma and bring it out into the open. The issues with PTSD, depression, addictions, mental health need to be talked about. Please take a moment this weekend and think about all of the firefighters and EMS personnel that have died, and remember, they all have grieving families. We need to save those that are saving others. – Karen Dill @FBHA4FF ‪#‎fbha‬

FBHA welomes new EMS blog writer

By Lesley Karonika

10/4/14

I am honored to announce I will be locking arms with this non-profit organization, Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance. Through my blog Jeff Dill, the founder of this organization reached out to me. It is obvious we share a common passion regarding PTSD. The comments on this blog will illuminate the growing need for PTSD education for those working “the streets.” So the question was proposed, “Why re-create the wheel?”
Jeff and I agree that my focus will be on EMS. This organization’s main objectives was focused on reporting Firefighter/Paramedic suicide. But Jeff does not want the EMS not affiliated with fire to be forgotten. This organization knows that EMS suicides are not being reported for his data collection due to many not knowing that this support system exists. He wants my help! I will help by posting in this blog that is now being read world wide. There is definitely a lack of knowledge about this particular organization. I, myself, researched in hopes of finding an organization similar to this one. I asked experienced paramedics. I searched the internet. When I came up empty handed I felt a calling that this issue of PTSD involving EMS needed to be addressed. So I thought creating a foundation of my own was the answer. Therefore, I started a fund. Many generous people that saw my same vision donated in an effort to help me get started. The total donation total was $230 to my fund! I was humbled. So, I gave all those that donated to my fund an option of a refund after I disclosed that I would instead be joining a non-profit with our vision. They did not want their money back. Instead, I will be not only donating the $230 but I am matching it! So a total of $460 will be going to this organization.
“Starting January 1, 2013, I am gathering information Internationally……..It should not be conceived as one of weakness but one where they might not have believed they had any other options to relieve their pain. FBHA is dedicated to collecting the most accurate numbers regarding FF suicides and then updates this number as information is confirmed. It is also FBHA’s objective to educate all of our brothers and sisters on suicide prevention through our workshop titled “Saving Those Who Save Others” in hopes to limit this number. “~ Jeff Dill

Thanks for all the support.

Please take a moment to check out this organization. And if you have known someone in EMS that has taken their life recently….check out the reporting system. Please help us help those that help others!

http://ffbha.org

A Hero Emerges

L. Mauser  10/2/2014

So many people were expected at my Dad’s services that we rented a beautiful local community center for his visitation and funeral. I still find myself having a hard time remembering everyone who came to pay their respects. I made it a point to stand at his casket for nearly all of his eight-hour visitation and speak to every firefighter about FBHA. I also spoke about the Alliance during my eulogy, in an attempt to keep this from happening to someone else. I know that everyone there heard me, but one person in particular took what I said to heart.

I hadn’t ever met Mark Adkins until a few weeks after Dad died. Mark sent me a message saying he’d like to run the half Flying Pig Marathon in Cincinnati in full turnout gear to raise awareness for FBHA in memory of Dad. I was beyond shocked. After my fiancé Eric and I met with Mark for dinner, it felt like we’d always known him. With Mark being a firefighter in Northern Kentucky, we’d had many similar experiences and knew many of the same people. Funny part is, as much as those things made me already feel like he was a friend, it was many of the personal stories he told us, and his genuine desire to spread the message of FBHA, that made him feel like a brother.

In the months following that dinner, I kept up with Mark as he trained for the Pig. Week by week, he added a little more of his gear to his rigorous training schedule and began running different courses, much of which included running from firehouse to firehouse. It was really inspiring to see Mark get stronger, even in some pretty awful weather, and to see him get mentally pumped-up for the race. When he’d get to a destination firehouse, the crews there would provide him with drinks and a place to cool down, which was kind of poignant, to me, anyway, seeing as that brotherhood was the reason behind all this effort. I can also tell you Mark never ran alone: my Dad was always with him.

Photo we circulated on Facebook

A couple weeks before the race, I thought it would be great if we could get a local print publication or TV news crew to cover the story of Mark running. I applied a relentless campaign of Tweets, e-mails, and submission of online requests. I heard nothing, for a few days, and was genuinely sad we’d gotten no replies, despite having some connections to local news reporters. Then, just as I’d given up, my e-mail made its way to WLWT Channel 5 Executive Producer Jon Carlisle. Mr. Carlisle sent me a heartfelt e-mail back, in which he told me how thankful he was I had been so honest with him, how he was so glad to hear my story, and him telling me WLWT would be beyond honored to cover this story. I’ll be honest; I cried. I sat right where I’m sitting now, and just cried. I am not a pretty crier mind you; I have big tears, my nose runs a lot, and I’ve got a perforated septum so I make this weird whistle noise when I’m breathing heavy (the things I admit in attempts to be totally honest…), but it all just came out because it felt like now this might be a big deal. And, well, I was crying because it felt like my Dad would have thought this was awesome.

We met with a cameraman and the very talented and kind reporter Kyla Woods at Central Campbell firehouse a few days later to tape a segment which would play several different times that evening and the next morning. My fiancé Eric and cousin Melanie accompanied me to the station and my interview was taped first. I’m a decent public speaker and had gone through media training before, so I knew what to expect. Mark was a little more nervous and a hug that was played on-air later was just me genuinely trying to make him feel more comfortable. I was, and am, so proud of what he did and his interview was great. If you’d like to see the full segment, you can check it out here on WLWT.

Mark with crew from WLWT

The night before the race finally came and I had an idea while I was on Twitter. I thought it would be cool if I could ask firefighters across the country to send Mark a message of encouragement and then I’d make him a map with the supporter’s locations. I stayed up all night, giggling with wild abandon (which is a nice way of me saying I laughed so hard I snorted), each time I got a reply Tweet. By the time we left for the race at the crack of dawn, dozens of our brothers and sisters from across the country were part of #TeamMark.

Mark with his supporter map

We met up with Mark’s family to watch him at the beginning of the race in Newport, Kentucky and we were all so excited. I have to admit watching the huge crowd of runners come across a large bridge from Cincinnati into Northern Kentucky was impressive, but the most powerful image was Mark in his gear. You know how movies have those impressive, iconic moments where a hero emerges from the rubble after some crazy explosion? This was one of those moments.
In the pale morning light with fog rising off the river, a hero emerged right before our eyes.

Mark & Trevor

My Fiance, Brooke & Cody Krentz, & myself with Mark’s daughters

After Mark lapped back towards Cincinnati, we all hopped in our cars (I feel 100% lazy saying that!) so we could watch him at the finish line. Trevor Runaway, a younger firefighter with Campbell County, was running with Mark, which made us all feel a little relief knowing someone was keeping an eye on him. News crews from every station in Cincinnati were tracking Mark and Trevor’s progress and famous runners who were commentators for the race told viewers how impressed they were by Mark’s athleticism. Firefighters and their families from across the city were sending us texts exclaiming they’d seen Mark on TV and he looked great. As Mark came down that last corner to the finish line and saw all our signs, he got this smile on his face that was priceless. It was the coolest damn thing I’ve ever experienced.

I sent out a mass text and Tweet that simply said, “HE DID IT. #TeamMark”

Mark almost at the finish line

The reason I’m telling you this story is because on Saturday (October fourth) Mark, Captain Dill, and I are receiving the Hometown Hero Award from the University of Cincinnati during their game at Paul Brown Stadium. We are so honored to have been selected and can’t wait to share the message of FBHA with everyone watching the game Saturday. We’re incredibly thankful to UC for allowing us to be a part of such a great event and for believing first responder mental health is as important as we do.

I’m going to leave you with a quote again today, just like last time. I think you’ll like it.

“We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It’s easy to say, ‘It’s not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.’ Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.” -Mr. Rogers

Don’t forget to share this post with your colleagues and friends and be sure to check back for future posts! Like us on Facebook to keep up with FBHA news. You can interact with me any time on Twitter using the handle @ClassyInCrisis and we encourage you to hashtag posts using #FBHA and #MauserStandard for things you’d like to share!