“Only a crowd can make you feel so alone” Line from “Before They Make Me Run” from the Rolling Stones’ album – Some Girls, -Keith Richards

November 17, 2015 – “Beyond the Fire” Entry 2

Guest writer: Retired Fire Chief Matt Shobert

As the fog began to clear after two initial, major surgeries, and as I weaned myself off the heavy-duty painkillers, I began to realize my life was different – substantially.  I was the guy who used to wake up at 4:45 AM to get in an eight-mile run before work; now it took me two hours just to get out of bed.  I literally felt like I was attached to my bed with Velcro.  While I don’t think it was ever a viable option, I contemplated suicide.  The thought of facing the day seemed unbearable.  Feelings of depression, anxiety, sadness and anger replaced my life as Fire Chief and Ironman Triathlete.  I often wished I had died in the field, on July 2, 2014.  For those of you who have been to San Diego, I couldn’t (still can’t) drive over the Coronado Bridge without visualizing myself pulling over, stopping my car and jumping off the bridge.

While shopping at the super market one Sunday afternoon, shortly after my second big surgery, I thought I was having a massive heart attack (Fred Sanford style)!  I had all the telltale signs and symptoms:  DB, CP, anxiety, numbness in my hands and fingers.  I thought I was dying.  My wife wanted to call 9-1-1; I let her take me to “my” closest fire station, where “my” Firefighter/Paramedics diagnosed me with my first real-life anxiety/panic attack.  Trust me; these are no fun! Oh my God, I thought, I have become one of “those” people, you know, the kind of person, where we would roll our eyes and pass judgment on, when we get called to their house at 3:00 AM for their panic attacks and anxiety issues.

A few days later, we went back to the hospital on a post-surgery follow-up.  I came clean with the surgical team about my “mental issues.”  They directed me to my personal physician and cautioned me that I may be suffering from an Acute Stress Disorder (ASD).  The next day I saw my personal doctor.  He referred me to a psychiatrist and counseling.  Soon I was on two different medications for depression and anxiety.  I had great difficulty finding a counselor who specialized in fire service Post Traumatic Stress (PTS).  ASD eventually becomes PTSD after a few months, if it doesn’t go away.   Even on the new meds, things were a little better, but I was still angry, sad, anxious, depressed or preoccupied with the thought that maybe I’d be happier if I were dead.

I realized I was still in trouble with no real end in sight.  This 29.5-year fire service veteran, with lots of accolades, degrees, experience and knowledge, ten years as a fire chief and Ironman Triathlete needed additional help.  Thankfully, I knew where to turn and had the strength and courage to do so.

Jeff Dill and I had become acquaintances about a year before my tragic accident.  You know how these things happen in the small world of the fire service.  Luckily, I had Jeff’s number and I knew his mission.  I called him and told him exactly where I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  He advised me to hang on and called me the very next day with the contact information for LMFT Tina Casola, who had been working with battle-scarred veterans for the past several years.  She agreed to take me on as her new client/project.

Maybe some hope…  Again, “when in doubt – reach out!!”

“Today’s physical, mental and emotional preparedness, determines tomorrow’s performance.  Train like your life depends on it – because it does!

-Matt Shobert, Fire Chief Retired

Rock and a Hard Place -Jagger/Richards, 1989

October 20, 2015 – “Beyond the Fire” Entry 1

Guest writer: Retired Fire Chief Matt Shobert

My name is Matt Shobert and I retired as Fire Chief from the Murrieta Fire Department (MFD) on December 30, 2014, after completing nearly 30 years in the Professional Fire Service with four departments across two states.  Further, I had served as Fire Chief for two other jurisdictions prior to joining the MFD team.  I have a Master’s Degree in Organizational Management, a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Management and an Associate’s Degree in Fire Science.  I am also a 2007 graduate of the National Fire Academy’s Executive Fire Officer (EFO) Program, have been four times accredited as a Chief Fire Officer Designee (CFOD).

Additionally, I completed the arduous 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and 26.2 mile run – “140.6” Ironman Arizona in Tempe on 11/17/13.  My fitness level helped save my life on July 2, 2014.

I was nearly killed on the morning of July 2, 2014 and in the coming weeks and months, I will be discussing the troublesome aspects of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery from my near fatal accident that lead to my premature exit from the fire service that was my life.  That PTSD stuff you hear and read about is real!

On the morning of July 2, 2014, an Engine Company from MFD and I were invited to an urban interface area in Murrieta, CA to observe a brush clearing operation, due to the tenuous fire conditions in Southern California this time of the year.  A simple spark could start a conflagration.

I arrived at the clearing operation prior to my Engine Company and a brush-clearing tractor was already clearing brush.  I exited my Fire Chief’s vehicle with my Garmin weather device to check temperature, wind speed and humidity.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but at around 09:00 AM, the rock pictured above was launched a distance greater than half a football field, by a Bobcat with a commercial mower attachment. The rock (about the size of a deck of cards) struck me on the left jaw, just below the bottom corner of my mouth, ripping off the lower left side of my face and mandible.

I awoke face down in the dirt, unaware of what the hell was happening.  The first thing I recall were my fingers and hands were numb and tingling.  Was I stroking out?  Was I having a heart attack?  Why in the hell was I laying face down in the dirt?

I tried to get up and couldn’t.  It was then that I noticed the profuse bleeding from the area of my face where my lower jaw used to be.  I quickly figured out that I was bleeding to death.  The Bobcat operator was nowhere in sight.  I was alone and dying.  I eventually made it to my feet and recalled a spare T-shirt in the back seat of my Tahoe.  I stuffed it into the bottom of my face and drove my chief’s vehicle a few hundred yards to a maintenance shop.  I held my face together with one hand and picked up my radio’s microphone with the other.  In a garbled voice, I told my dispatch center that I thought I’d been shot in the face and needed immediate medical care.

My firefighters and dispatchers saved my life with quick action and critical care, Inland Valley Medical Center further stabilized me, Mercy Air flew me to Loma Linda UMC, where a team of surgeons worked for five and a half additional hours saving my life.

My fitness level, OCD (sic), and intuitive training assisted in my survivability. The doctors said, “98% of the general population would have died in the dirt that day.”

I have been through four comprehensive surgeries over the past 16 months. I suffered a minor TBI and struggle with PTSD (again, that stuff is real)!  I have thought of suicide and struggle with my ongoing physical recovery, TBI and PTSD.

It is my hope and goal that sharing my story will help bring firefighter suicide, PTSD and stress issues to the forefront.  We always preach physical fitness, but mental health is a private and dirty secret.  Below on my retirement cake is my mantra that actually saved my life:

“Today’s physical, mental and emotional preparedness, determines tomorrow’s performance.  Train like your life depends on it – because it does!”                                                                                                    -Retired Fire Chief Matt Shobert

Why Firefighters Need Yoga

Guest writer: Shannon McQuaide

My name is Shannon McQuaide. I am a yoga and mediation teacher for firefighters. I came to perform this wonderful work about a year and half ago. At that time I piloted a yoga and meditation program for a small group of firefighters in San Jose. The pilot was designed to reduce injuries related to strains and sprains, and to reduce stress. The pilot program was so well received by firefighters and the data positively correlated in a reduction of both injuries and stress that I have since been hired to lead this program for the department.

As I continue to work with firefighters of all ages and abilities, the benefits of yoga and meditation are undeniable. I an effort to establish yoga and meditation classes as part of health and wellness programs for fire departments across the country, I have created FireFlex Yoga Wellness^TM, www.fireflexyoga.com. FireFlex Yoga Wellness is designed to bring together a community of talented yoga teachers and organizations that understand the importance of offering body and mind training to firefighters.

Please check out www.fireflexyoga.com to hear testimonials from firefighters who have participated in FireFlex Yoga Wellness classes. You can also contact me and get on my mailing list to be a part of future trainings and events. Find me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/FireFlexYoga

For the women and men I train, yoga provides an unique opportunity to move their bodies into novel shapes while stretching and strengthening their shoulders, backs, hamstrings and hips. On it’s own, yoga postures help firefighters to develop the physical fitness necessary to respond to the extreme demands of their jobs. However yoga also delivers psychological benefits.  And it’s the impact yoga is having on firefighters’ ability to mentally and emotionally cope with their work that is gaining more recognition and interest from the fire service.

The mechanisms by which yoga is effective at providing psychological well-being are just beginning to be understood; however more and more research is reporting on the benefits of yoga and meditation, to reduce stress, anxiety, drug and alcohol addiction, depression and to release the accumulation of trauma from the body.

FireFlex Yoga Wellness teaches firefighters how to get in touch with their bodies and their minds resulting in a more centered, grounded, functional, reliable, easeful orientation to themselves, their workplace and their lives.

What firefighters experience through FireFlex Yoga Wellness:

A practical way to strengthen one’s physical body, increase functional fitness resulting in less injuries, increased flexibility, and greater on-the-job performance.

1. Peace of mind.
2. A framework for processing what happens at work so that personal lives are not affected in a negative way.
3. Increased ability to focus and maintain awareness so that one can identify and respond with more efficiency, precision, and adaptability when seen or unforeseen circumstances arise.

It is my goal to provide firefighters with tools to enhance their jobs, their bodies, and their lives and to connect with other professionals and organizations that have a similar goal. If you are interested in bringing yoga, meditation and wellness to firefighters, please contact me. www.fireflexyoga.com or find me on Facebook, at https://www.facebook.com/FireFlexYoga

Those Left Behind, Memories of a Lifetime

Written by: Jeff Dill, Founder

Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance (FBHA) recently held their first annual retreat for family members left behind by firefighter and EMT suicides. The event was held in Savannah, GA from May 21-24, 2015. My wife Karen and I met eleven of the most courageous people who came from IL, OH, KY, NY, NJ and FL. There were mothers, fathers, sisters, sister-in-laws, brothers, daughters and son-in-laws, but they were much more than that. These were people still reeling from the shock and pain of losing a loved one that ranged from four months to five years ago. I am positive that each family member that attended was feeling apprehension as to what emotions would play out to strangers they had just met on Thursday night. Karen and I had the same feelings.

When FBHA was first founded in 2011, one of the three main goals was to create a weekend retreat to let people know that they are not alone. To assist us, we invited Sarah Gaer, a mental health expert from CT, and Lt. Jerry Meddock Jr., a firefighter and Chaplain from OH. Both Sara and Jerry are also suicide survivors.

We wanted more than just workshops for our group.  We wanted people to interact as well as enjoy the wonderful and historic city of Savannah. A trolley tour, riverboat cruise, restaurant dining and quality family time to go out and explore were also on the agenda. Yet nothing was more heart warming than what Karen and I observed from our Carriage House room that overlooked the courtyard on late Friday night. There were the families who just met 24 hours ago, talking and laughing with each other. They were strangers brought together by tragedy and now by there own choice, brought together to create friendships. It was one of the most rewarding feelings we ever have experienced in our lives.

On Friday night we held the first “WE REMEMBER” night at Savannah Fire House Station #3. For one minute the SFD ran their emergency lights as our families held candles to express, “we will always remember our lost loved one”.  In fact, we were joined by fire and EMS organizations all over North America who joined us by running their lights and holding candles.

Although tears flowed during our emotional sessions there was laughter as well, and bonding that we could ever describe in this article. When Sunday morning arrived, Karen and I found that we actually did very little in getting people together. They found a spirit deep within themselves to reach out to each other and create memories and relationships that will last a lifetime. As one member said during a courtyard chat, “it felt good to feel normal again”. Another found himself expressing that because of this weekend he felt “hope” again for his healing process.

It’s now Monday afternoon and we are back in Arizona readying for the week. Yet these families still face their emotions on a daily basis. We carry the belief that for one weekend, one very special weekend our new family,(yes not only friends but family members), can reflect back to a time when they felt laughter, felt hope, felt normal and will reach out to talk with each other when needed.

Final thought: Reflecting back on the title of this article, “memories of a lifetime,” we were referring to our own memory. Our newest family members have created memories that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. For that, we will be forever thankful.

God Bless and Stay Safe,

Jeff

The Silent “Maydays”

Written by: Jeff Dill 5/9/15

Mayday! Mayday!  These are words that bring an instant emotion of fear to responders because it indicates one of our own is in serious trouble. Yet, for every mayday we hear on the fire scene, how many silent maydays are we missing on a daily basis from the lives our brothers and sisters due to behavioral health issues?

From the first day Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance (FBHA) was organized, to our first four workshops for the Philadelphia Fire Department in December of 2011, it has been an incredible journey to educate brothers and sisters on behavioral health and firefighter suicide awareness.  I have made numerous friends, heard hundreds of sad stories and hugged many family members who needed a shoulder to cry on.  Either way, I would not change a single minute because I have learned so much from those who have suffered the loss of a loved one, who were firefighters or emergency medical service members.

It is from their strength and experience that FBHA continues to travel across the United States, Canada to help prevent suicide, even if it is just one single firefighter/EMT from taking their life. To further our market outreach in May, we are hosting training in Phoenix, AZ and Savannah, GA. Eleven individuals from across the US will be Ambassadors and instructors for FBHA.

I would like to cover the Top 5 Warning Signs that found common ground from the hundreds of firefighters we have met these 4 years. In addition, this article will look at some steps to assist each other plus some resources available for fire departments to contact.

FBHA calls these the “Top 5” but don’t forget there are several other warning signs displayed that sometimes are missed, or perhaps as firefighters and officers just don’t know how to approach the subject matter.  With all the training we receive within our career from the academies to officer classes I believe it is safe to assume we can count on one hand the amount of training classes we’ve had on behavioral health.  The good news is that the fire service is turning the corner, and now realizes the value of behavioral health training for its members.

These are in no particular order but seem to appear in most conversations I have had with firefighters/EMS when discussing issues of depression or suicide.

• Isolation– The fire service is a dynamic group.  The interactions of a company within a fire department while training, eating, responding to calls, or whatever career, paid on call or volunteers due together is a bond that only a handful of careers can replicate.  So in saying this shouldn’t it be easy to recognize if a member starts to slip away from the “group”.  Tradition was to give them some space because they are going through some financial problems, relationship issues or basically “it is a personal issue and if they want help they will ask”.  These are the times to rally around our own even when they don’t ask.  If they refuse any help then just reassure them to reach out when they are ready because the company is here for them.

• Sleep Deprivation – We have all been there, you know, the call in the middle of the night and when you get back to quarters or home if you’re a POC/Volunteer and try to get back to sleep.  It becomes time consuming and difficult because the heart and mind are racing.  But what if you are getting those physical and psychological events occurring even when you are at home or don’t go on calls?  The cause unknown, but the stress and anxiety as the night approaches sets in realizing you will not sleep again tonight can be very damaging to the body and mind.  What about the FF/EMT who is sleeping way too much?  In bed most of the day, struggling to even to get up and shower, eat or being with your family?  Depression has a cruel way of destroying people’s lives.  If sleep is affecting you in either of these ways then it is time to seek help.

• Impulsive – Starting to show signs of impulsiveness or recklessness? This is a negative sign in a change of behavior.  Yet, they can be so subtle that people around this person might not realize it as a cry for help.  Buying guns when they were always against firearms, riding motorcycles or driving cars recklessly or acting in a manner that could cause serious injury to one self are signs that need to be addressed as soon as possible.

• Anger – In every workshop presented, when I mention anger there is always laughs because those in attendance know of someone on their department that anger applies to. Yet, the issue can be a very dangerous one, especially if an angry member displaces their anger and projects it to others, like family members at home.
• Loss of Confidence – This one started to become a common theme from firefighters I spoke with.  It actually never occurred to me until I heard it over and over again.  Members who were struggling with issues in their life somehow transferred it to the job and then began to realize they weren’t performing at a level they were use to.  They became unsure of the simplest tasks, which increased their frustration, anxiety and increased their lack of confidence as competent firefighter.

In our “Saving Those Who Save Others” workshop we cover these more in depth as well as the following FBHA recommendations.  Our theory is to Challenge with Compassion when educating firefighters and officers on knowing warning signs, communicating with each other or offering resources to those effected. Here are some FBHA recommendations:

• Be Proactive, Be Direct – Fire departments need to be proactive towards behavioral health training, and if you think FF suicides will happen to your department then give me a call because I can give you the names of hundreds of fire chiefs who have dealt or are dealing with this issue.  It happening from the big cities to the small rural towns.  Be direct with firefighters who are suffering.  Don’t dance around the issues.  These are real problems that need real conversations.

• Direct Questions – If a member comes to you with thoughts of suicide then there are two questions you need to ask.
  1. Do you feel like killing yourself now?
  2. Do you have a plan?

These are quick questions to give you an assessment on what is going on with your FF.  A “yes” to any of these means you need to seek medical attention immediately.  Even if they had thoughts of suicide recently it should be grounds for offering immediate help. Do not leave this person alone.

• Compassion – If someone comes to you to talk, then remember to show compassion.  Stay in the moment!  Listen actively.  Treat them like you would want them to treat you.

• Discretionary Time – One of the most crucial pieces of advice to recommend is to not make a “knee-jerk” remark.  If you don’t know an answer or if you are caught off-guard by a personal issue that a member has come to you then use discretionary time.  A simple “I have never been approached about this type of issue, let me look into educating myself about it and lets meet later to discuss this further in-depth.”  This shows compassion, dedication and concern towards the member and the problem they are facing.

• Walk the Walk – Simply, if a brother or sister needs help then be there for them.  Attend AA meetings, drive them to counseling or just be an ear for them.

These are some quick looks at the items we discuss in our workshops.  The workshops include videos of fire chiefs who talk about suicides in their department and life, role-play, retirement and much more.  If you are interested in learning more about “Saving Those Who Save Others” then visit www.ffbha.org or contact us at info@ffbha.org.

Resources:

Here is a quick list of resources you can call if you are having problems in your life or if you know someone who is in need.

Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance: www.ffbha.org            Call 847-209-8208

National Volunteer Fire Council: http://www.nvfc.org/hot-topics/share-the-load-support-program-for-fire-and-ems

American Addiction Centers: http://americanaddictioncenters.org/fire-services/ 24/7 Call 1.888.731.FIRE (3473) Assistance for firefighters/EMT’s

Rosecrance: Florian Program: http://www.rosecrance.org/substance-abuse/florian-firefighter-treatment-center/ 815-391-1000 or 888-928-5278 Firefighter & Paramedic Substance Abuse Treatment Program

National Suicide Hotline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org Call 800-273-TALK (8255)

Pocket Assessment Guides are available for a nominal donation. Please contact us at info@ffbha.org