Archive for 2015

“Gimme, gimme shelter, Or I’m gonna fade away…” Line from “Gimme Shelter” from the Rolling Stones’ 1969 album – Let It Bleed, -Jagger/Richards

December 15, 2015 – “Beyond the Fire” Entry 3
Guest writer: Retired Fire Chief Matt Shobert

I didn’t know why at first, but as I continued with my physical recovery, certain sights, smells, sounds, etc. would set my brain and central nervous system on fire.  A helicopter fly-by, the sound of sirens (music to my ears for the previous nearly 30 years), the shrill of a crying child and being in the geographic region of my accident location were four triggers that would cause unbearable panic and anxiety, which in turn, would lead me to thinking of and visualizing quick solutions to this physical, mental and emotional turmoil.

After my first visit to my psychiatrist (BTW – I freaked out on the elevator – not enough air or space – while going up to the THIRD floor!), I learned that not only was I missing the bottom 2/3’s of my L mandible and half my teeth, but I was also suffering from Acute Stress Disorder (ASD).  ASD, if not effectively stabilized, transforms into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after about three months.  He would prescribe Cymbalta and Xanax, which would and did help fairly quickly.

I was in trouble! I was on a liquid diet, mentally and emotionally unstable and not an active firefighter for the first time in nearly 30 years.  The entire upper portion of my torso, neck and head was green, yellow or purple from the impact of the rock and associated surgery.  I often wished I would’ve died, or wished I was dead.  I was either angry, sad, scarred or depressed all the time; sometimes, all four at once.

Finding a fire service-oriented PTS counselor was not easy.  There is a movement afoot to lose the “D” for Disorder in PTSD, due to its negative connotations; who wants to have a disorder?  As previously mentioned, Jeff Dill hooked me up with LFMT Tina Casola, who had done extensive PTS work with returning military vets and her office was about 30 miles from my house.

She helped me process, understand and maneuver this ASD stuff, which was making the transformation into PTS.  The helicopter rotor noise and other issues took me right back to the accident date and time.  Even though I was unconscious during my helicopter ride, I could subconsciously hear the rotor for my 20-minute flight from the Level 2 to the Level 1 Trauma Facility.

Over the course of the next year and roughly 18 visits, Tina would take me to hell and back numerous times, with “a pom-pom in one hand and a whip in the other!”  She uses a counseling process called Cognitive Behavioral/Prolonged Exposure Therapy.

My synopsis of the therapy:  Through a very calculated and strategic process, if you are afraid of heights, you go bungee jumping; or, if you’re afraid of spiders, you spend the night in a cave.

At one point, we were sitting in the dirt (at the precise location, where on July 2, 2014 at 09:00 AM, I lay unconscious, bleeding to death), looking for any of my teeth that may not have gotten picked up on accident day (photo)!


It was a very difficult process, but it gave me hope!  Something that was long gone.  I eventually visited the Level 2 Trauma Center, where three of the staff broke down into tears when I walked into the ER.  After a tour of the ER and a better understanding of what occurred on that fateful day, I went out to the helicopter LZ and sat down, by myself and cried for 10 minutes.

A person can go a week or 10 days without food, four days or so without water, four to six minutes without oxygen, but it’s nearly impossible to live a single second without “hope.”  Tina gave me hope!  I am still seeing her, but on a less frequent basis.  We are trying to get the word out about PTS in the Fire Service and the help that is available.

Again, “when in doubt – reach out!!!” – …It should be OK to be vulnerable.

“Today’s physical, mental and emotional preparedness, determines tomorrow’s performance.  Train like your life depends on it – because it does!

Note: If you would like Matt, Tina or both of them to share this story at your location, please let us know, we will try to arrange for that.


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Addicted to Your Job?

PTSD symbol design isolated on white background. Anxiety disorder symbol design

Written by Jeff Dill, retired Captain and founder of Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance

Are we addicted to the Job?

It is a simple question. Are we addicted to our jobs and is there a consequence that we pay because of our dedication? As you know I founded Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance in 2011 to track and validate our brothers and sisters who have taken their lives and to never forget them or their families.

Yet, these four years of traveling across the U.S. and Canada has afforded me the opportunity to theorize on some issues because of the thousands of people we have seen and spoken with. So, this is my theory only, but hopefully it will spark some thoughts and ideas within each of you that this would apply to. I started many years ago as a paid on call FF for Rutland-Dundee FPD and went to career in 1995 for the newly established Palatine Rural FPD in IL. I can recall many of my new brothers and sisters had outside jobs. Their talents of construction, roofing, landscaping, painting and other jobs kept them busy while earning some extra money. We would discuss how other FFs in surrounding departments had similar jobs so if you needed a tree removed you would call “Joe” at a neighboring department. Lately what I  have seen through my travels, is an issue that perhaps is adding to the already stressful job we have and creating more and more behavioral health issues for our brothers and sisters.

What is the issue? I have seen more firefighters and EMTs taking second jobs in other fire departments and EMS organizations. They leave one job and head to the second one for another shift, be it a twelve hour or twenty-four hour shift. They are constantly running fire and EMS calls. My concern is, when do you take time to process and rejuvenate your brain based on all the horrific calls that you see? I commend those for their dedication but I also have concerns that burnout could become a real issue and maybe sooner than later. How many of you have spent the day after shift reflecting on calls you went on the previous day? The days off, especially for EMS, are there for you to recover not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. If there are no gaps between how does our brain ever take a day off from the stress of the jobs?

In the coming year FBHA will be looking more into this issue but I wanted to throw this out there for you to comment on and tell me if you agree or disagree with my theory.

Stay safe my brothers and sisters and PLEASE SHARE….Thanks! Jeff

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Scholarship Announcement


On behalf of the Board of Directors and Founder of Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, we have selected Seth Livengood, 23, of Treynor, IA to receive one of our five scholarships in memory of Firefighter Scott C. Bellucci. Seth is attending Walla Walla University in Billings, MT. The scholarship in the amount of $500.00, has been applied to his college tuition for the 2015-2016 school year.

Seth is the son of Heather Livengood and the late Wm. Richard Livengood. Rich worked for the Omaha Fire Department as a firefighter and paramedic for 15 years and was promoted to captain in 2008.  He was a member of the department’s Special Operations team, Dive Rescue Team and the Nebraska Task Force 1 Urban Search and Rescue Team. Rich was also an Army Veteran-Avionics Mechanic that worked on helicopters. Sadly, Rich passed away on March 26th 2014.

FBHA and FF Bellucci’s family wish Seth the best of luck and much success in the years to come as he pursues his Master’s degree in Social Work.

To find out more about our scholarship program or to make a donation to support the program,  please see the Scholarship Program Page on  tour website at

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“Only a crowd can make you feel so alone” Line from “Before They Make Me Run” from the Rolling Stones’ album – Some Girls, -Keith Richards

November 17, 2015 – “Beyond the Fire” Entry 2

Guest writer: Retired Fire Chief Matt Shobert

As the fog began to clear after two initial, major surgeries, and as I weaned myself off the heavy-duty painkillers, I began to realize my life was different – substantially.  I was the guy who used to wake up at 4:45 AM to get in an eight-mile run before work; now it took me two hours just to get out of bed.  I literally felt like I was attached to my bed with Velcro.  While I don’t think it was ever a viable option, I contemplated suicide.  The thought of facing the day seemed unbearable.  Feelings of depression, anxiety, sadness and anger replaced my life as Fire Chief and Ironman Triathlete.  I often wished I had died in the field, on July 2, 2014.  For those of you who have been to San Diego, I couldn’t (still can’t) drive over the Coronado Bridge without visualizing myself pulling over, stopping my car and jumping off the bridge.

While shopping at the super market one Sunday afternoon, shortly after my second big surgery, I thought I was having a massive heart attack (Fred Sanford style)!  I had all the telltale signs and symptoms:  DB, CP, anxiety, numbness in my hands and fingers.  I thought I was dying.  My wife wanted to call 9-1-1; I let her take me to “my” closest fire station, where “my” Firefighter/Paramedics diagnosed me with my first real-life anxiety/panic attack.  Trust me; these are no fun! Oh my God, I thought, I have become one of “those” people, you know, the kind of person, where we would roll our eyes and pass judgment on, when we get called to their house at 3:00 AM for their panic attacks and anxiety issues.

A few days later, we went back to the hospital on a post-surgery follow-up.  I came clean with the surgical team about my “mental issues.”  They directed me to my personal physician and cautioned me that I may be suffering from an Acute Stress Disorder (ASD).  The next day I saw my personal doctor.  He referred me to a psychiatrist and counseling.  Soon I was on two different medications for depression and anxiety.  I had great difficulty finding a counselor who specialized in fire service Post Traumatic Stress (PTS).  ASD eventually becomes PTSD after a few months, if it doesn’t go away.   Even on the new meds, things were a little better, but I was still angry, sad, anxious, depressed or preoccupied with the thought that maybe I’d be happier if I were dead.

I realized I was still in trouble with no real end in sight.  This 29.5-year fire service veteran, with lots of accolades, degrees, experience and knowledge, ten years as a fire chief and Ironman Triathlete needed additional help.  Thankfully, I knew where to turn and had the strength and courage to do so.

Jeff Dill and I had become acquaintances about a year before my tragic accident.  You know how these things happen in the small world of the fire service.  Luckily, I had Jeff’s number and I knew his mission.  I called him and told him exactly where I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  He advised me to hang on and called me the very next day with the contact information for LMFT Tina Casola, who had been working with battle-scarred veterans for the past several years.  She agreed to take me on as her new client/project.

Maybe some hope…  Again, “when in doubt – reach out!!”

“Today’s physical, mental and emotional preparedness, determines tomorrow’s performance.  Train like your life depends on it – because it does!

-Matt Shobert, Fire Chief Retired


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Scholarship Announcement












On behalf of the Board of Directors and Founder of Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance, we have selected Kayla Hill, 19, of Philadelphia, PA to receive one of our five scholarships in memory of Firefighter Jack Slivinski Jr. Kayla is attending the Aria Health School of Nursing in Trevose, PA. The scholarship in the amount of $500.00, has been applied to her college tuition for the 2015-2016 school year.

Kayla is the daughter of Ann Hill and the late Timothy Glatthorn. Timothy was a firefighter for the Philadelphia Fire Department and was also an Army veteran. Kayla states she is following in her dad’s footsteps to help people.

FBHA and FF Slivinski’s family wish Kayla the best of luck and much success in the years to come as she pursues her dream of being a nurse.

To find out more about our scholarship program or to make a donation to support the program, please see the Scholarship Program Page on our website at

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Rock and a Hard Place -Jagger/Richards, 1989

October 20, 2015 – “Beyond the Fire” Entry 1

Guest writer: Retired Fire Chief Matt Shobert

My name is Matt Shobert and I retired as Fire Chief from the Murrieta Fire Department (MFD) on December 30, 2014, after completing nearly 30 years in the Professional Fire Service with four departments across two states.  Further, I had served as Fire Chief for two other jurisdictions prior to joining the MFD team.  I have a Master’s Degree in Organizational Management, a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Management and an Associate’s Degree in Fire Science.  I am also a 2007 graduate of the National Fire Academy’s Executive Fire Officer (EFO) Program, have been four times accredited as a Chief Fire Officer Designee (CFOD).

Additionally, I completed the arduous 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and 26.2 mile run – “140.6” Ironman Arizona in Tempe on 11/17/13.  My fitness level helped save my life on July 2, 2014.

I was nearly killed on the morning of July 2, 2014 and in the coming weeks and months, I will be discussing the troublesome aspects of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery from my near fatal accident that lead to my premature exit from the fire service that was my life.  That PTSD stuff you hear and read about is real!

On the morning of July 2, 2014, an Engine Company from MFD and I were invited to an urban interface area in Murrieta, CA to observe a brush clearing operation, due to the tenuous fire conditions in Southern California this time of the year.  A simple spark could start a conflagration.

I arrived at the clearing operation prior to my Engine Company and a brush-clearing tractor was already clearing brush.  I exited my Fire Chief’s vehicle with my Garmin weather device to check temperature, wind speed and humidity.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but at around 09:00 AM, the rock pictured above was launched a distance greater than half a football field, by a Bobcat with a commercial mower attachment. The rock (about the size of a deck of cards) struck me on the left jaw, just below the bottom corner of my mouth, ripping off the lower left side of my face and mandible.

I awoke face down in the dirt, unaware of what the hell was happening.  The first thing I recall were my fingers and hands were numb and tingling.  Was I stroking out?  Was I having a heart attack?  Why in the hell was I laying face down in the dirt?

I tried to get up and couldn’t.  It was then that I noticed the profuse bleeding from the area of my face where my lower jaw used to be.  I quickly figured out that I was bleeding to death.  The Bobcat operator was nowhere in sight.  I was alone and dying.  I eventually made it to my feet and recalled a spare T-shirt in the back seat of my Tahoe.  I stuffed it into the bottom of my face and drove my chief’s vehicle a few hundred yards to a maintenance shop.  I held my face together with one hand and picked up my radio’s microphone with the other.  In a garbled voice, I told my dispatch center that I thought I’d been shot in the face and needed immediate medical care.

My firefighters and dispatchers saved my life with quick action and critical care, Inland Valley Medical Center further stabilized me, Mercy Air flew me to Loma Linda UMC, where a team of surgeons worked for five and a half additional hours saving my life.

My fitness level, OCD (sic), and intuitive training assisted in my survivability. The doctors said, “98% of the general population would have died in the dirt that day.”

I have been through four comprehensive surgeries over the past 16 months. I suffered a minor TBI and struggle with PTSD (again, that stuff is real)!  I have thought of suicide and struggle with my ongoing physical recovery, TBI and PTSD.

It is my hope and goal that sharing my story will help bring firefighter suicide, PTSD and stress issues to the forefront.  We always preach physical fitness, but mental health is a private and dirty secret.  Below on my retirement cake is my mantra that actually saved my life:

“Today’s physical, mental and emotional preparedness, determines tomorrow’s performance.  Train like your life depends on it – because it does!”                                                                                                    -Retired Fire Chief Matt Shobert


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Why Firefighters Need Yoga

Guest writer: Shannon McQuaide

My name is Shannon McQuaide. I am a yoga and mediation teacher for firefighters. I came to perform this wonderful work about a year and half ago. At that time I piloted a yoga and meditation program for a small group of firefighters in San Jose. The pilot was designed to reduce injuries related to strains and sprains, and to reduce stress. The pilot program was so well received by firefighters and the data positively correlated in a reduction of both injuries and stress that I have since been hired to lead this program for the department.

As I continue to work with firefighters of all ages and abilities, the benefits of yoga and meditation are undeniable. I an effort to establish yoga and meditation classes as part of health and wellness programs for fire departments across the country, I have created FireFlex Yoga WellnessTM, FireFlex Yoga Wellness is designed to bring together a community of talented yoga teachers and organizations that understand the importance of offering body and mind training to firefighters.

Please check out to hear testimonials from firefighters who have participated in FireFlex Yoga Wellness classes. You can also contact me and get on my mailing list to be a part of future trainings and events. Find me on Facebook at

For the women and men I train, yoga provides an unique opportunity to move their bodies into novel shapes while stretching and strengthening their shoulders, backs, hamstrings and hips. On it’s own, yoga postures help firefighters to develop the physical fitness necessary to respond to the extreme demands of their jobs. However yoga also delivers psychological benefits.  And it’s the impact yoga is having on firefighters’ ability to mentally and emotionally cope with their work that is gaining more recognition and interest from the fire service.

The mechanisms by which yoga is effective at providing psychological well-being are just beginning to be understood; however more and more research is reporting on the benefits of yoga and meditation, to reduce stress, anxiety, drug and alcohol addiction, depression and to release the accumulation of trauma from the body.

FireFlex Yoga Wellness teaches firefighters how to get in touch with their bodies and their minds resulting in a more centered, grounded, functional, reliable, easeful orientation to themselves, their workplace and their lives.

What firefighters experience through FireFlex Yoga Wellness:

A practical way to strengthen one’s physical body, increase functional fitness resulting in less injuries, increased flexibility, and greater on-the-job performance.

  1. Peace of mind.
  2. A framework for processing what happens at work so that personal lives are not affected in a negative way.
  3. Increased ability to focus and maintain awareness so that one can identify and respond with more efficiency, precision, and adaptability when seen or unforeseen circumstances arise.

It is my goal to provide firefighters with tools to enhance their jobs, their bodies, and their lives and to connect with other professionals and organizations that have a similar goal. If you are interested in bringing yoga, meditation and wellness to firefighters, please contact me. or find me on Facebook, at

reverse namaste good

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Those Left Behind, Memories of a Lifetime

Written by: Jeff Dill, Founder

Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance (FBHA) recently held their first annual retreat for family members left behind by firefighter and EMT suicides. The event was held in Savannah, GA from May 21-24, 2015. My wife Karen and I met eleven of the most courageous people who came from IL, OH, KY, NY, NJ and FL. There were mothers, fathers, sisters, sister-in-laws, brothers, daughters and son-in-laws, but they were much more than that. These were people still reeling from the shock and pain of losing a loved one that ranged from four months to five years ago. I am positive that each family member that attended was feeling apprehension as to what emotions would play out to strangers they had just met on Thursday night. Karen and I had the same feelings.

When FBHA was first founded in 2011, one of the three main goals was to create a weekend retreat to let people know that they are not alone. To assist us, we invited Sarah Gaer, a mental health expert from CT, and Lt. Jerry Meddock Jr., a firefighter and Chaplain from OH. Both Sara and Jerry are also suicide survivors.

We wanted more than just workshops for our group.  We wanted people to interact as well as enjoy the wonderful and historic city of Savannah. A trolley tour, riverboat cruise, restaurant dining and quality family time to go out and explore were also on the agenda. Yet nothing was more heart warming than what Karen and I observed from our Carriage House room that overlooked the courtyard on late Friday night. There were the families who just met 24 hours ago, talking and laughing with each other. They were strangers brought together by tragedy and now by there own choice, brought together to create friendships. It was one of the most rewarding feelings we ever have experienced in our lives.

On Friday night we held the first “WE REMEMBER” night at Savannah Fire House Station #3. For one minute the SFD ran their emergency lights as our families held candles to express, “we will always remember our lost loved one”.  In fact, we were joined by fire and EMS organizations all over North America who joined us by running their lights and holding candles.

Although tears flowed during our emotional sessions there was laughter as well, and bonding that we could ever describe in this article. When Sunday morning arrived, Karen and I found that we actually did very little in getting people together. They found a spirit deep within themselves to reach out to each other and create memories and relationships that will last a lifetime. As one member said during a courtyard chat, “it felt good to feel normal again”. Another found himself expressing that because of this weekend he felt “hope” again for his healing process.

It’s now Monday afternoon and we are back in Arizona readying for the week. Yet these families still face their emotions on a daily basis. We carry the belief that for one weekend, one very special weekend our new family,(yes not only friends but family members), can reflect back to a time when they felt laughter, felt hope, felt normal and will reach out to talk with each other when needed.

Final thought: Reflecting back on the title of this article, “memories of a lifetime,” we were referring to our own memory. Our newest family members have created memories that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. For that, we will be forever thankful.

God Bless and Stay Safe,


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The Silent “Maydays”

Written by: Jeff Dill 5/9/15

Mayday! Mayday!  These are words that bring an instant emotion of fear to responders because it indicates one of our own is in serious trouble. Yet, for every mayday we hear on the fire scene, how many silent maydays are we missing on a daily basis from the lives our brothers and sisters due to behavioral health issues?

From the first day Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance (FBHA) was organized, to our first four workshops for the Philadelphia Fire Department in December of 2011, it has been an incredible journey to educate brothers and sisters on behavioral health and firefighter suicide awareness.  I have made numerous friends, heard hundreds of sad stories and hugged many family members who needed a shoulder to cry on.  Either way, I would not change a single minute because I have learned so much from those who have suffered the loss of a loved one, who were firefighters or emergency medical service members.

It is from their strength and experience that FBHA continues to travel across the United States, Canada to help prevent suicide, even if it is just one single firefighter/EMT from taking their life. To further our market outreach in May, we are hosting training in Phoenix, AZ and Savannah, GA. Eleven individuals from across the US will be Ambassadors and instructors for FBHA.

I would like to cover the Top 5 Warning Signs that found common ground from the hundreds of firefighters we have met these 4 years. In addition, this article will look at some steps to assist each other plus some resources available for fire departments to contact.

FBHA calls these the “Top 5” but don’t forget there are several other warning signs displayed that sometimes are missed, or perhaps as firefighters and officers just don’t know how to approach the subject matter.  With all the training we receive within our career from the academies to officer classes I believe it is safe to assume we can count on one hand the amount of training classes we’ve had on behavioral health.  The good news is that the fire service is turning the corner, and now realizes the value of behavioral health training for its members.

These are in no particular order but seem to appear in most conversations I have had with firefighters/EMS when discussing issues of depression or suicide.

  • Isolation– The fire service is a dynamic group.  The interactions of a company within a fire department while training, eating, responding to calls, or whatever career, paid on call or volunteers due together is a bond that only a handful of careers can replicate.  So in saying this shouldn’t it be easy to recognize if a member starts to slip away from the “group”.  Tradition was to give them some space because they are going through some financial problems, relationship issues or basically “it is a personal issue and if they want help they will ask”.  These are the times to rally around our own even when they don’t ask.  If they refuse any help then just reassure them to reach out when they are ready because the company is here for them.
  • Sleep Deprivation – We have all been there, you know, the call in the middle of the night and when you get back to quarters or home if you’re a POC/Volunteer and try to get back to sleep.  It becomes time consuming and difficult because the heart and mind are racing.  But what if you are getting those physical and psychological events occurring even when you are at home or don’t go on calls?  The cause unknown, but the stress and anxiety as the night approaches sets in realizing you will not sleep again tonight can be very damaging to the body and mind.  What about the FF/EMT who is sleeping way too much?  In bed most of the day, struggling to even to get up and shower, eat or being with your family?  Depression has a cruel way of destroying people’s lives.  If sleep is affecting you in either of these ways then it is time to seek help.
  • Impulsive – Starting to show signs of impulsiveness or recklessness? This is a negative sign in a change of behavior.  Yet, they can be so subtle that people around this person might not realize it as a cry for help.  Buying guns when they were always against firearms, riding motorcycles or driving cars recklessly or acting in a manner that could cause serious injury to one self are signs that need to be addressed as soon as possible.
  • Anger – In every workshop presented, when I mention anger there is always laughs because those in attendance know of someone on their department that anger applies to. Yet, the issue can be a very dangerous one, especially if an angry member displaces their anger and projects it to others, like family members at home.
  • Loss of Confidence – This one started to become a common theme from firefighters I spoke with.  It actually never occurred to me until I heard it over and over again.  Members who were struggling with issues in their life somehow transferred it to the job and then began to realize they weren’t performing at a level they were use to.  They became unsure of the simplest tasks, which increased their frustration, anxiety and increased their lack of confidence as competent firefighter.

In our “Saving Those Who Save Others” workshop we cover these more in depth as well as the following FBHA recommendations.  Our theory is to Challenge with Compassion when educating firefighters and officers on knowing warning signs, communicating with each other or offering resources to those effected. Here are some FBHA recommendations:

  • Be Proactive, Be Direct – Fire departments need to be proactive towards behavioral health training, and if you think FF suicides will happen to your department then give me a call because I can give you the names of hundreds of fire chiefs who have dealt or are dealing with this issue.  It happening from the big cities to the small rural towns.  Be direct with firefighters who are suffering.  Don’t dance around the issues.  These are real problems that need real conversations.
  • Direct Questions – If a member comes to you with thoughts of suicide then there are two questions you need to ask.
    1. Do you feel like killing yourself now?
    2. Do you have a plan?

These are quick questions to give you an assessment on what is going on with your FF.  A “yes” to any of these means you need to seek medical attention immediately.  Even if they had thoughts of suicide recently it should be grounds for offering immediate help. Do not leave this person alone.

  • Compassion – If someone comes to you to talk, then remember to show compassion.  Stay in the moment!  Listen actively.  Treat them like you would want them to treat you.
  • Discretionary Time – One of the most crucial pieces of advice to recommend is to not make a “knee-jerk” remark.  If you don’t know an answer or if you are caught off-guard by a personal issue that a member has come to you then use discretionary time.  A simple “I have never been approached about this type of issue, let me look into educating myself about it and lets meet later to discuss this further in-depth.”  This shows compassion, dedication and concern towards the member and the problem they are facing.
  • Walk the WalkSimply, if a brother or sister needs help then be there for them.  Attend AA meetings, drive them to counseling or just be an ear for them.

These are some quick looks at the items we discuss in our workshops.  The workshops include videos of fire chiefs who talk about suicides in their department and life, role-play, retirement and much more.  If you are interested in learning more about “Saving Those Who Save Others” then visit or contact us at


Here is a quick list of resources you can call if you are having problems in your life or if you know someone who is in need.

Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance:            Call 847-209-8208

National Volunteer Fire Council:

American Addiction Centers: 24/7 Call 1.888.731.FIRE (3473) Assistance for firefighters/EMT’s

Rosecrance: Florian Program: 815-391-1000 or 888-928-5278 Firefighter & Paramedic Substance Abuse Treatment Program

National Suicide Hotline: Call 800-273-TALK (8255)

Pocket Assessment Guides are available for a nominal donation. Please contact us at

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Darkest Hour

L. Mauser-Ferguson

The Cincinnati Fire Department lost a good man on the job this morning named Daryl Gordon. I did not know him, but have gotten calls and messages this morning from several brothers who did. By all accounts, he was a magnificent man who will be so severely missed. I want to extend my deepest condolences to Cincinnati FD and everyone who loved Daryl Gordon: Myself and everyone I know are sending you a huge combination of prayers, uplifting thoughts, and hugs.

Today was already a dark day, marking the anniversary of the deaths of Boston’s Lieutenant Ed Walsh and Firefighter Michael Kennedy. I remember sitting at my kitchen table listening to the fireground channel last year during the search for both Walsh and Kennedy, yelling silently in my head for my Dad to save them. I found myself doing the same thing this morning listening to the tragic fire that took the life of Daryl Gordon. When my prayers to God and demands to my dead Dad weren’t answered, I realized there was more to worry about: everyone left behind.

I’ve been with lots of groups of people when someone in their life has died, but there is nothing like a first responder line of duty death. It is truly the darkest hour. You can see the minutes on the clock go by, but it feels as if time has stopped in the hours and days following that loss. I think everyone gets this knot in their stomach that makes them want to puke and scream and cry, but most hold it in. I used to think staying silent on the matter, and not asking how everyone is doing, helped preserve some kind of silent dignity that has for so long been seen as a guaranteed right in the fire service. We hide behind pressing Class As and draping the truck, using the rituals which were handed down to us to keep us busy. But then night comes. And I don’t know why, but the dark sure torments so many in the fire service already, and tragic loss like this, I am certain, will keep many of us awake tonight.

I can’t figure out if it’s because our bodies change from producing serotonin to melatonin or if first responders are born with some weird gene that makes us sit up and night and think, but whatever it is, it’s a constant theme I see play out whenever I’m talking to our brothers and sisters. My Dad sat awake, I sit awake, and I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve had deep conversations with someone else in the fire service, who also couldn’t sleep. You’d think that serving our communities and saving lives would clear our consciences so well that we’d drift right off to sleep when our head hit the pillow. Wrong.

…And that’s how far I got when a 7th alarm had been transmitted in NYC.

Maybe this is why we can’t sleep.

I’m sitting here writing now with the Broadcastify channel up, anxious, hearing voices of men I’ve never met, yet they are my brothers. You see, the anxiety lingers, like smoke around all the rest of the emotional weight we carry, constantly reminding us something bad might be just around the corner. And it doesn’t have to be in our own backyard or in our own department: when the shit is bad anywhere, we all take that on. We sit and listen to the fireground channels, gripping crucifixes and Saint medallions, looking out the window, emotionally bearing the brunt of what we’re hearing. I have no idea why we do it, other than out of solidarity. But when you look at a Broadcastify channel that’s got 9,000 listeners from all across the country, the message is clear: we’re all in this together.

All this said, maybe the point here is that tonight, if you’re sitting up, you should talk to someone. Shoot a guy you are on shift with a Facebook message, text your best friend, send your Dad an e-mail, or send me a Tweet. Whatever you do, don’t sit up alone tonight. Let’s take the night back and make it a time when we connect with our fellow responders in order to chip away the stigmas about expression and mental health that have been plaguing the fire service for decades. Let’s use the night as a chance to help one another.
And then, maybe we can get some sleep.


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